Me & U..........

Well today is another beautiful day in NYC. The weather has been kind of back & forth lately but the recent record of sunny days has left us all yearning for more and hoping that this is only the beginning...........

Sunny days lead to reminiscing, pondering.......... or is it a new phase I am entering?

I think it may be a new Phase.........I can feel it. I am not just talking about the new season, the new job or even the new crib BUT something internal..could it be??

It might be the acting that has me searching, digging, becoming vulnerable & open........ open to new opportunities, ideas, feelings..

The thing with acting is that to be someone else you HAVE to know who you are. I would consider myself pretty aware because this isn't the first time I have had to search for class or otherwise. I guess since I am ever changing it is only obvious that your search should be continuous. My dedication to studying, learning could be evidence of my continuous search but that is WAY to academic & intellectual. The REAL are the things that are basic, within yourself - soul, mind, heart - that you needed as a "13 year-old" as my acting teacher would say. The things that we NEED are the things that we needed back then NOT now.

"What do you need"? "What do I need, I need_______ ".

That is the exercise that we do in class. We do it for ourselves personally but it becomes the needs as our character or for me is Velma, I am Velma Sparrow in Birdbath. You see I can say as Velma I need friends, or I need a man BUT those are present things NOT "13 year-old" things. Then we get to the bare bone.......

"What do you need"? "What do I need, I need RESPECT" Velma says.
"What do you need"? "What do I need, I need LOVE" Velma says.
"What do you need"? "What do I need, I need to NOT be taken advantage of" Velma says.
"What do you need"? "What do I need, I need to be treated WELL" Velma says as I CRY........

You see in the midst of saying what I need or what Velma needs we become 1 person........ and Velma doesn't CRY but I do because I am her........ and we have the same needs!!

Then everything resurfaces.........the disappointment, the pressure, the shame, the sadness, the loneliness......everything that I truly feel. Being the "tough" chick that I am I bear a lot, and I carry it GRACEFULLY, but I do carry it. I tuck it away, I keep it moving..don't get it twisted homie I KEEPS it moving........so don't think that I'm not OKAY, cause I'm all LOVELY over here and I ALWAYS will BE...... BUT nevertheless I still am human like YOU all so then I TAP... I TAP right into those feelings that I have repressed and genuinely gotten OVER but the reminder of how I felt at that moment is enough to send me into tears.......searching, confused why I feel that way because the emotions are so suppressed that I cannot recognize what is wrong with me because I am such a great master of my own disguise, I can't even identify the feelings, my belly all tied up... and then the TAP releases it ALL & it is CRYTSAL CLEAR for everyone to see.

So then everything holds meaning........the rain, the sun, the old West Coast music I go back and search for because it reminds me of times.

Times.......happy & sad.. that are in the past.......... long ago or recent BUT times that I cannot or won't revisit because things will NEVER be the same because we have ALL changed. I have, you have..........No more Hood BBQ's.. swerving.......No more Ghetto fights..Love Jones and all that silly ish..........frontin'..... you know what I mean!

I've changed, my priorities have changed........... I have somewhere I need to go and I can't get there when I'm stuck back there... and being stuck back there didn't get me HERE so I gotta stick with this formula.

I bang a lil Pac and get my mind right........look out the window and see the Hudson...look up and ponder..........decide to keep Wendy off this one time.......This weekend I'll walk in the park, enjoy the sun, handle some business.........PLOT my next move.

It's out there..........okay? It's all out there, I'm done....it's over!!