A LOT (I know that's not a word) 2 Write....

Okay......... I have a lot to write and say right now. It is amazing how I can NOT write for months and then suddenly my brain is bombarded with thoughts that I feel I MUST share because they are so profound to ME.. but probably very ridiculous to you :( I hope this doesn't seem like one long essay but here I go:

II: My Scene
On Tuesday night Francesco & I finally did our scene that we have been working on for what seems like an eternity (really only couple of months). For months we have been practicing 4 days a week, and then for 2 weeks Francesco missed class because he was working on All My Children so we didn't work at all. THEN.. we found out that on Jan. 31st we would be doing our scene so we had a week to prepare. On Sat & Sun we rehearsed and we were somewhat rusty but (btw.. have you heard Bobby Valentino's whole album??? It isn't that bad.... ; ) in my mind I just resolved to NOT worry about the performance and just do my best. I'm not gonna drive myself crazy about this or ANYTHING else.. that is not my steelo. Each day comes and brings its own highs & lows and you take them as they are and keep it MOVING!!!!!!!

So day of I had been mentally preparing but obviously the tension is getting thicker now because I am caught up in what is going on at work (working on a budget for a show) and in the back of my head I have to perform tonight. As the day comes to a close I do my little ritual and listen to music to get my mood right and at 6PM, I'm out the door.

I get to the studio and change into my little 50's dress (wish I had a picture to show ya'll, my fault). My partner & I learn that we are going 2nd to last so we all sit down and watch the other perfomances and also do last minute preparations for our scene.

In case I haven't told you about this scene it is from the play The Rainamker and is kind of a standard scene that students do. My character is Lizzie and she is the sole female in her house hold. Raised by her father and brothers she has essentially raised herself and been the mother of the household. Growing up in the Country in the South among all men Lizzie has very low self-esteem and has never really been in the presence of a man like Starbuck and has never even been looked at by a man in a romantic way. Lowly Lizzie (as I call her, as I called myself, how I felt when I was her) dreams of a family of her own one day but never thinks it will happen and her brothers don't help out any with their negative comments & attitude. Starbuck is a city-slicker hustler who comes and works on her families farm and ends up defending Lizzie to her brothers.

In the climatic scene Lizzie and Starbuck fight because he tries to convince her that she can dream and have everything she desires but she instead rejects him and basically breaks down because she feels so hopeless about herself. Needless to say crying 4 days a week for the past couple of months has a toll on me emotionally because I have begun to feel like an emotional wreck even though the circumstances are fake. The emotions and tears, my emotions and tears were/are always real.

So when it came time for us to be on deck we went backstage and crunch time began. For the first time it felt like my tears weren't there and I began to panic slightly. If I didn't cry on cue and if I wasn't emotionally alive and upset the whole scene would be ruined. I wouldn't want to do that to my partner, teacher or myself. Even though I know that my Lord loves me and that he will always protect me, my head got in the way. But in some split second breeze (my Lord, his protection) I abandoned all that foolishness and I was ready. Knock, Knock, Knock.... "Who's that, who's there???" "It's me, Lizzie..." the door opened and it was showtime.

So once again I entered that MATRIX that I spoke of esarlier where I am out of my body (don't I sound like a cliche, amatuer actress??? hahahah, I LOVE it!!!) and basically going for the ride like the audience. Yelling, tears, and applause... it was over!!! Whew........ no more tears, no more sadness, no more Lizzie.......... Isn't it funny how art imitates life, or is it the other way around??